It can only get better

The past few weeks (or more?  I can't keep track of time anymore) have had our heads spinning.  I am feeling a lot better/stronger, but both Mark and I are worn out.  I remember hearing that the forth child is not a big deal - they just join the pack.  This is SO not true! I can barely sit down to do anything (like eat or get dressed ) without holding a crying someone (usually Hannah).  I know I will now have to get up shortly because I can hear Hannah grunting and likely pooping.  Nathan wants another movie.  I hope the girls stay sleeping for a bit (Mark is away for the afternoon- helping his brother move).  Yesterday was busy because it was a Sunday. Sundays with four kids are even more busy.  I managed to snag a nap in the afternoon , but that was off -set by Abby screaming for about three hours after we put her to bed.

So , it has been almost a full week since I started this post.  Almost every day I had plans to add to it and finish it but while I was thinking about doing it I was holding a crying child hopelessly looking at the monitor knowing that I will not be able to complete the post that day or anything for that matter (lucky to be able to get dressed some days).  The only reason I'm typing now is because Mark is holding Hannah who is having a heck of a time falling asleep tonight for some reason.  My head is throbbing from all the crying and screaming it heard today.  Sometimes it seems like our life is frozen in this crazy time loop that is full of screaming fighting children. It just never ends :( . I'm going to try to write something positive about each of these children of ours, because I need to remember.

Hannah likes the pictures I put up by the change table - she cries and cries until she realizes where she is and then gets quiet and just stares at them.  I savor her little grunts and feather-like sounds she makes while nursing - soon they will be replaced by sounds and attempts at speech.  When I hold her up and she stares at me she looks like she is thinking so hard , I haven't decided yet if she is puzzled or in awe of what she sees. I like and dislike her sleeping on top of me at the same time.  I like the feeling of having her close and I know that she likes it - demands it in fact. I don't like how hot it makes us and the limited sleep positions I now have.

Abby is starting to sing little songs to her self while swinging her arms back and forth.  When Nathan is watching the Wiggles or something else with a catchy song I see Abby attempt to dance to the music :) Abby's smile is still amazing and no matter what kind of trouble she is in (which happens a lot these days) her cheeky grin can often bring a smile out of us. I can tell when she gets in a fight with her sister because the level of screaming is doubled and I hear loud jabbering/scolding with a "MINE" or "NO" added in at the end. Abby likes to share and distribute things ...like toilet paper.  She is starting to know where her head/eyes/nose/ears are and will often point them out on Hannah (often a little hard).  She kisses Hannah and I notice her hugging her toy babies and trying to give them her finger to suck on (she still likes to suck on mine).

Sarah is really starting to look like a little girl instead of a toddler.  She has the funnest conversations with you (telling you your ears are dirty, describing how big of a poop she had...).  She remembers things now (I have to be careful what I tell her is going to happen).  Once Mark told me that as she sat picking at her lunch she dipped her fingers in her ketchup smeared it on her face like a foot ball player and said "GRRR , I'm a tiger!".  Mark also told me of a time when he was so frustrated with dealing with them he growled at them ... Sarah growled back :).  Sometimes we call Nathan "Sweetheart"   and Sarah says "Nathan is not a girl!" - only girls are Sweethearts and are beautiful according to her.  She calls Nathan "Buddy" at times - she made up that nickname for him and she is the only one that uses it .

Nathan has started to toilet train himself - he doesn't always make it but he is getting better.  He still has that smile that lights up his whole face and he uses it often.  He asks Sarah " Sarah , are you beautiful?"  So far he is convinced that Sarah , Abby , Mommy and Hannah are beautiful (esp. Sarah) but when I asked him if he was handsome he replied with a mischievous smile "No, I'm a stinker!" He calls Daddy a stinker as well :).  I've noticed that he copies whole sentences - which gets annoying when I'm trying to tell him something and he is repeating every word but not understanding anything I"m saying.  He still loves to be tickled and he still has a kind heart (helping out his crazy sisters , telling Hannah she is cute).

This post took me longer then a month to finish.  As I type now I have Hannah sleeping on my chest. It has been very overwhelming having a new baby that still thinks she is part of me and three other young children that want to be carried, picked up, read to, played with .... Some days I think I will snap , other days I long for a break of any kind (a just Mark and I kind of break).  I still don't know how I will function this coming September when Mark goes back to work.  I feel stressed out almost daily and I need tylenol to sleep at night (Hannah sleeping with me keeps me in awkward positions).  My body feels like a limp noodle (my back muscles/abdominal muscles are weak) and still gets sore if I bend to pick up things.  Being a parent is rough right now , but I am thankful for my family.  God has blessed us richly.  I still remember feeling honored and blessed to be pregnant for the first time.  Things can only get better .... it just might take a while thats all.

Mark says it looks like Abby is trying to make Hannah give everyone the "finger" in this picture 

Nathan with his favourite clothing on 

Hannah Grace

Originally I had planned to write one last post before Hannah was born ...but I didn't make it.  Things were busy and I was tired and sore.  There were appointments, preparations, and the general craziness that I was increasingly finding harder and harder to deal with.  Last Wednesday I had one of my appointments cancelled and so we left as a family for one of our Costco trips -my last one for awhile.  After we got home I remember feeling very very tired and sore.  During the night I remember waking up and thinking "that was a contraction ..."  then going back to sleep (I was tired).  Around 04:00-04:30 Nathan woke up wanting his soother - shortly after that I felt my water break.  I remember telling our doula that she could have a glass of wine that previous night because I likely wasn't going into labor until next week (due date was July 4).  I was thinking "I can't be in labor yet - I told our doula to have some wine!" - my brain was a little fuzzy with sleep - however once my water broke and the contractions started every 5-8 minutes there was little doubt left.

Mark and I went down stairs (he had not been able to fall asleep after Nathan woke up) and I labored for a bit- mostly sitting in a chair clutching the arm rests.  Mark started calling people around 06:00 when the contractions were 3 minutes apart.  We called my mom to take care of the kids (they were awake then, and Mark had to fend them off of me), we called our doula (asking her if she had enjoyed her glass of wine) and paged our midwife.  We had to page her twice because she didn't get the first one for some reason. The midwife arrived around 07:00 along with her back up.  I continued to labor in the living room mostly staying on my knees or standing - leaning against the bed we had brought down or on Mark.  As the contractions got more and more intense I remember thinking "almost done!" after each one.  I started feeling more and more pressure and then finally it was time to push.  No one told me when to push or for how long... the only thing I remember them telling me was to keep my chin down (why do you have to keep your chin down anyway?), not to sit on the baby's head as I attempted to get on the bed again (my legs were getting tired), and to "push out the noise" (instead of groaning) - then at 08:45 the crazy world stopped and I got to look at our new daughter for the first time (after Mark caught her and clipped her cord).  I hope I never forget the sweet relief of feeling that baby come out and snuggling with her on the bed.   She had such a round little head with blond/red hair - she looked so perfect :).  Mom brought over the kids and they got to be one of the first ones to see their sister.  Hannah latched on right away and I stayed in the bed with her nursing her for about an hour.  The kids got to watch as the midwives weighed and measured  Hannah later on in the morning.  The whole experience was wonderful.  It felt right.  As things happened they seemed ...natural , expected.  I felt like I truly "did it" and I did it right.

After everyone left we rested while the craziness slowly crept back on us.  The next morning Mark took Sarah to get her teeth fixed.  She had two cavities and a few soft spots on other teeth.  She was too young to sit still long enough for a dentist to fix them so she had to go to the hospital to be put under while they fixed everything at once.  My mom came to help babysit for the morning (she had to come at 05:00).  Mark and Sarah got home around noon after a long tiring morning.  Sarah recovered well - she even wanted to go back to see the "doctors" a few days later.  The next few days Mark and I were super tired and the kids had WAY too much energy.  Abby was extra clingy, Sarah was fussy/whinny(still recovering) and Nathan would not listen to either of us.  We stayed home from church to get some extra rest - I'm glad we did - my milk came in full force that day (*ouch*).

Today things finally started to fall back into place.  Nathan, Sarah and Abby calmed down.  Hannah graciously let me sleep for about three hours in a row the night before and in spite of the rain we all drove to Kingsville to Tim Hortons just because.  Mark has been doing an awesome job at being "mom & dad" while I rest and recover.  I'm feeling a lot stronger, the kids are dressed/fed/sleep on time, the laundry/dishes are kept up ...I have an amazing husband.  

Highlights that I see daily are Nathan kissing his new sister on the head and playing with her hands and feet, Sarah strokes Hannah's head (calling it "fuzzy") and Abby pats Hannah on the back... eventually smacking her in the face... Hannah falling asleep on Mark ...and finally Hannah herself -what a sweet little baby girl.  All of these remind me that through the craziness, life right now is very good  :)

These first few pictures were taken moments after Hannah came out 

All three of us asleep 

A few more weeks

Its June 15 and as I look at the calendar all I see is a lot of ink.  I knew June would go fast and I'm grateful - being busy is nice at this stage of pregnancy (distracting).  It is also very tiring.   I'm tired of going to appointments ... I think I'm tired of everything.  Recently Nathan, Sarah and Abby have not been feeling well.  They would not eat well, sleep well , get along well or do anything well.  I'm exhausted and I feel as though I will never get enough sleep.  I remember being pregnant with Nathan and how nice it was to take naps when I was tired or just to "take it easy".  I remember how peaceful and relaxing it was after he was born when I could rest with him during the day.  Those days are long gone.  I don't think any mother is prepared for how mentally and physically exhausting raising small children is.  I'm not sure if there is any way to prepare. It just seems to be one of those things that you have to experience to really understand.

Tomorrow is Fathers day.  My husband and I are disappointed in the lack of recognition or honor given to fathers.  Mothers day is well advertised and mothers are applauded for being selfless, hard working and loving.  It seems like fathers are portrayed as being another kid that the mother has to care for.  Mothers deserve expensive jewelry but fathers hint and whine for things like children.  I'm mainly going by what I hear and see advertised.  I remember one car commercial that basically said the fathers first job as a father is driving the baby home . He was in the back ground watching his wife deliver the baby and didn't even get to hold it before the Dr's whisked it off to a nursery (do they still do that?) . I can see Mark tense up in anger when watching that commercial and I can imagine how traumatizing it would be for him to experience something like that.  I've always seen Mark and I as a team , working together to raise our family.  Yes I push out the baby, but I would really really hate to do it with out Mark by my side encouraging me.  I love seeing how proud and happy he looks when catching the baby - it is so personal and intimate for both of us. I can't imagine having a good experience any other way (aside from having a home birth :)).  I hope he enjoys his Fathers day present.  He deserves the best I can afford to give him and often I wish I could get  him more things.

Often I catch  myself looking for a forth cup to fill with juice when handing out snacks , or I do a quick check up on the kids and find myself still looking for a few seconds for the "forth" one.  It seems like she is already part of the family.  Nathan, Sarah and Abby are growing so fast.  I feel proud of them - simply for growing and learning.  Nathan still enjoys quoting movie lines, songs and books he has memorized (they watch a lot of movies right now).  Sarah continues to describe everything she does (I poke it , I eat it, I'm chewing , I swallow it ...)  and Abby is picking up more and more words. I think they all know that I am not feeling my usual self and they kind of understand that there is a baby on the way.  It will be interesting to see how each will react when Hannah comes.

Abby likes to pour water down her front - they all end up naked when outside eventually 

Sarah trying to "spray mom" 

I managed to get out of the house this morning with my mom.  We went looking at garage sales.  We probably bought to much we didn't need but it was good to get out of the house by my self.  I often get advice that I should be doing that more often.  Its really hard to get out.  When I have an opportunity to do something I'm usually too tired to even want to go. I know I should be thinking of myself more or caring for my self , but honestly , most of the time it seems very inconvenient and tiring.   Some day I will be able do things other then take care of children again.  

Sunshine and Clouds

"What am I going to do with you two girls?" is the question I often hear myself saying.  It seems like when they get close to each other kicking, slapping, pinching, biting and lots of screaming happen.  Abby has bit Sarah twice in the arm leaving red marks.  I'm hoping that Abby biting is the result of teething , but I'm not sure - she was pretty angry when she bit :( .  I don't even know how to discourage the behavior if that is what it is - Abby is only one and forgets what she did shortly after doing it.  She does not understand why she should not bite. I guess like any siblings of the same sex it is sunshine and clouds off and on during the day :)  It seems like Nathan gets along well with both girls.

Often when I'm getting ready in the morning I have both girls standing on "the yellow chairs of doom" (nicknamed so because the kids can carry them easily and use them to get at things we attempt to put out of their reach- they are in the bathroom because they cause the least amount of trouble there ....so far).  I take longer to get ready due to also getting the girls ready with me :)  We brush our teeth together , our hair , often put on perfume and make-up (mostly lip balm- which Sarah calls "bwip-stick" and body spray).  Once I remember putting on some socks I rarely wear , Sarah noticed them instantly and complemented them calling them "pretty!". Since then I have worn them more frequently (mainly because she likes them).  Its hard to explain without sounding selfish - but I find it pleasing to be able to relate to my daughters that way.  Its nice - almost exciting to see them enjoy the same things as I do.  All three of us end up feeling "special" taking delight in every day things - like a pink top , getting ready in the bathroom, or seeing a picture of a princess or fairy.

I have been taking the kids to the library on Tuesday mornings recently.  Sarah and Abby find it rough as they quickly become hungry and tired ( I in turn find it rough moving my 7 month big baby bump around after them), but Nathan thrives on the interaction with the other kids and the leader.  He is so excited to see the other kids and is very enthusiastic when doing the hand signs along with the songs.  I know he will be ready to leave the nursery this coming fall and I know he would love kindergarten next year.  A small part of me feels the sting of "the letting go part of parenting"  , knowing that he will be in the care of someone else when he does go to school.  But most of me is proud of him ... simply for growing up and being himself.  He has become very independent lately.  If he has a problem he will often attempt to fix it himself before asking for help.  This results in messes and frustration on his and our part.  Just this afternoon he was watching TV and noticed that the signal had gone.  He calmly walked up to the TV opened the door to the console (which they are not allowed to do) and adjusted the antenna so his program would come back on.  I had to stop him of course as he is not allowed to be in that area - but part of me was smiling and shaking my head - I had no idea he was even aware of how to work the antenna.  He is also getting very good at dismantling things and tries to put them back together.  He often will say things that we didn't think he heard or understood.   A highlight of my day is seeing him smiling at me with his bright and eager eyes.

Last night I had a massage and did not come home until after the kids were in bed.  I heard them bumping around upstairs and went up to deliver some stuffed toys that my poor exhausted husband was unable to find (he was not feeling well yesterday).  As soon as I got upstairs their faces lite up and Sarah said "Mommy! you came back!"  Its good to feel loved.  Sometimes when thinking of Jesus' return I feel as though I don't want Him to come back yet , I want to enjoy our kids He has given us and to grow old with my husband.  I hope that I will be able to greet Him in the same way Sarah greeted me when I came back :)

Here is Nathan in the cupboard BEHIND the lazy susan.  The lazy susan on the other side of the kitchen was removed  because Nathan broke it by sitting on it , also he was throwing baking items behind it (making them nearly impossible for  us to easily get)

 enjoying a walk on the green way 

Two girls that can't sit near each other - someday I will get a good picture of  them side-by-side

Surviving May

This month is 1/2 over and it seems to be going fast and slow at the same time.  My energy levels have dropped and its harder to move around. I keep thinking "one more month..." because I'm so focused on getting May out of the way I forget that I still have June to be pregnant.

As I look over at the couch right now I see that Nathan has figured out that his pants are the zip off type and he has zipped off one leg.  He has taken off his pants completely and attacked his sister (lots of screaming happening) .  Abby was by my knee trying to bite it ... she seems tired today.  That was only  a snap shot of what happens here on  a day to day basis. I already don't remember most of what they did last week :(  I know they were cute , they got in trouble , they fought , they made messes and mostly slept at night.

Mothers day weekend was very draining - it seems like when your lively hood is going to be celebrated you are reminded again of how hard it is sometimes.  I think I remember being tired and worn out last Mothers day as well.  Of course it didn't help that I am 7 months pregnant.  I remember looking forward to a date night Mark and I had planned all week.  He has been so busy during the day and at night with work (this semester is difficult for him) I was looking forward to some time with him while not feeling like I was taking him from his work that he needed to get done.  The date didn't happen and I was disappointed- which was hard to deal with.  Hopefully we can get out soon.  I mentioned to Mark that the next person that tells me that I need to "get out" more ..or just "go on a date" is going to get punched in the face - he said he would pay to see that - lol - I don't think I could even if I really wanted to. Its hard to "get out" when you have young kids.  Babysitters can be expensive and are not always available.  Its like handing off your responsibilities of your full time job to someone who may or may not know what is going on- only more important because the responsibilities have names and are your children :)

My sister and her husband came for a visit with their brand new baby.  It felt good to hold a newborn in my arms again.  I still feel a pang of regret that Hannah will be the last one of mine that I will hold, but I think every mother feels that way (that is why grandma's enjoy their grandchildren so much).  Watching my sister love her baby and struggle through the first time mom challenges reminded me of how precious and sacrificial parental love is.  I've always been told that God loves us the same way , but I've always found it hard to wrap my mind around.  Watching my kids and knowing how I feel about them puts God's love in a new perspective and at times almost easy to understand.

On Mothers Day we stayed home from church and relaxed for the day.  It was sooo nice to stay home that day.  Sundays are normally stressful (chasing around hungry tired kids) and it felt good not to feel guilty for staying home for once.   Mark got me a video camera - which was awesome.  I can take better videos of the kids now and remember them better :) .  There are so many times during the day when I look at my kids and think  - 'wow, I have a great family.  I am blessed to be a mother ' and there are other times when I think 'what were we thinking? 4 under 4???' .

Look before you sit

We are finally feeling better -well most of us.  I seem to take the longest to get better on account of lack of sleep and being worn out caring for the other sick ones :( .  I'm just glad I got the cold part of the illness only, and that Mark didn't get it at all :).  The other three took turns throwing up for about 12 hours each (not constantly).  I don't think I remember doing that much laundry in three days.  I had those machines going constantly  - thank God for washing and drying machines!  I can't even imagine how crappy that would have been to deal with washing everything by hand like people used to (still do in some countries).  Although all three of the kids were sick, there always seemed to be one that perked up when another one started feeling sick - so I had a sick kid, a semi-sick kid and a bouncy " get in trouble kid" every day for about three days.

Yesterday was a "making messes" day.  It seemed like I would clean up one only to turn around in time to see them make another giant mess.  By the end of the day I gave up.  I made sure that the floors were mostly clear (or they trip and fall) and it was not too annoying stepping on crumbled food....  if that is possible. While I was putting Abby and Sarah to bed Nathan decided to change his own diaper.  He had pooped in it and decided that the couch was a good place to take it off.  He then went to the change table and attempted to clean himself up and then proceeded to the kitchen with a chair and helped himself to a soother (I keep them in a cupboard until bedtime).  I know all this because he left a trail of poop smudges everywhere he went.  What could have been a 2-3 wipe poop turned into a 50 wipe poop as I searched the house to see where he had been.  It was my chair this time :(.  When I told Mark about the episode he replied "well, I guess the motto for today is 'look before you sit!'".  I love my husband :).  Nathan has developed a fascination for pump bottles filled with shampoo or conditioner in the bathroom - often when I find him in there there is a stream of shampoo or conditioner flowing down the bottle and making a puddle on the floor.  He looks so intently at it while it is dripping - I can't be angry.  I'm at a loss of where to put those darned bottles.  They come from Costco so they are huge - I am glad of that because the floor gets a lot of treatment but they are so big they don't fit anywhere :(.  

Recently I noticed that my supply of plastic containers was growing non-existent.  I also noticed Abby walking around with them , attempting to put lids on or take them off but never putting them in the same place or back where they came from.  Abby also , now that she is always walking, walks around with her food.  She used to make a mess around her high chair or by the coffee table where she was standing - now she scatters her mess all over the house!   She often will follow me around the house with a book clutched in both hands , wanting me to read it to her and getting very loud and angry when I don't immediately comply.  Abby is lucky she is so cute and we still love her no matter how crazy she gets...  I could say that for all three of them.  Sometimes I walk in on them doing something crazy and often the result is a lot of clean up for me...I stand there for a moment not knowing if I should laugh, cry or be angry.   I take a picture and puzzle about it - then clean up the mess usually ending up laughing.

Since the weather has been so nice I have been taking the kids out in the back yard more often.  Sarah has decided that she does not like bugs.  At first she seemed afraid of them and wanting me to flip them off the slide before she went down and freaking out if they happened to land on her clothing or skin.  I explained to her that the bugs live outside and that they were not going to hurt her.  She seems less afraid now.  Now, she smashes them in-between  her fingers and then hands them to me (or tries to) saying "Here mom!"  and I have to brush the remnants of the bug off her fingers.  Nathan seems to be much like his dad in that he  needs something to do outside.  He needs to blow bubbles or ....something .... I haven't figured out how to keep him busy yet.  Usually he is waiting by the door for us to go back in while Sarah and Abby are happily playing.  

I have concluded that we just need to survive May.  June will go quickly , then I will have a baby and everything will settle down after that ..... hopefully.  Ha ha -I think rather we will be adjusting to a new kind of crazy, but at least it will be summer and Mark will be home.  Just focus on surviving May Leanne.....

Nathan watching his favourite meal bake *fish* 

playing outside -watch out for bugs!

These girls don't need lessons on how to make a mess 

Warm thoughts and warm weather

It seems like Spring is finally here!  And my husbands birthday is only a few days away (for those of you who don't follow his count down on facebook).  That means that April is almost over :)  In May we open the pool and get out the summer clothing and in June we prepare for Hannah and in July... I hopefully will have a successful home birth. About three years ago I would have considered myself crazy to consider a home birth.  We live about 1/2 an hour from ....everywhere.  I was afraid that something might go wrong, but after having three children I realized that I was tougher then I thought.

I also realized that the medical system regarding labor and delivery has largely failed women in my opinion.  In my experience all my births were normal (with the exception of a fast heart beat from my oldest), but it seemed that the medical staff had rules for "normal".  I hated being in the hospital and was always glad to get home to my own bed.  I was GBS positive for all three pregnancies and I'm assuming I am for this one as well.  The staff always wanted me to stay for 24 hours of observation even though the risk for the baby getting anything was less then 1% (much less). Mark and I had read all the information and research and were confident that we could handle anything that came up (likely nothing will).  It seemed to us that esp. with the last birth they were trying to scare us by telling us that the "danger" was not over yet (after we went for the next morning check up) and the nurse telling me that Abby might be dehydrated after she peed all over her.  It was smile and nod time.  It was irritating to drive back to the hospital (three times the last time) for the blood work.  I'm really looking forward to having the baby at home , relaxing in a warm herbal bath after the birth (with Hannah) and going to bed in my own bed :).  No more early morning drives, uncomfortable lectures and all this foot poking for the baby.  The midwife will come here for the checkups and Mark will be home to take care of things.

I totally intended on finishing this post but my whole family got sick (except for Mark) - as I write this I have one crying at me :( .  I will post what I have written and hopefully I can catch up on myself later this week.