A few more weeks

Its June 15 and as I look at the calendar all I see is a lot of ink.  I knew June would go fast and I'm grateful - being busy is nice at this stage of pregnancy (distracting).  It is also very tiring.   I'm tired of going to appointments ... I think I'm tired of everything.  Recently Nathan, Sarah and Abby have not been feeling well.  They would not eat well, sleep well , get along well or do anything well.  I'm exhausted and I feel as though I will never get enough sleep.  I remember being pregnant with Nathan and how nice it was to take naps when I was tired or just to "take it easy".  I remember how peaceful and relaxing it was after he was born when I could rest with him during the day.  Those days are long gone.  I don't think any mother is prepared for how mentally and physically exhausting raising small children is.  I'm not sure if there is any way to prepare. It just seems to be one of those things that you have to experience to really understand.

Tomorrow is Fathers day.  My husband and I are disappointed in the lack of recognition or honor given to fathers.  Mothers day is well advertised and mothers are applauded for being selfless, hard working and loving.  It seems like fathers are portrayed as being another kid that the mother has to care for.  Mothers deserve expensive jewelry but fathers hint and whine for things like children.  I'm mainly going by what I hear and see advertised.  I remember one car commercial that basically said the fathers first job as a father is driving the baby home . He was in the back ground watching his wife deliver the baby and didn't even get to hold it before the Dr's whisked it off to a nursery (do they still do that?) . I can see Mark tense up in anger when watching that commercial and I can imagine how traumatizing it would be for him to experience something like that.  I've always seen Mark and I as a team , working together to raise our family.  Yes I push out the baby, but I would really really hate to do it with out Mark by my side encouraging me.  I love seeing how proud and happy he looks when catching the baby - it is so personal and intimate for both of us. I can't imagine having a good experience any other way (aside from having a home birth :)).  I hope he enjoys his Fathers day present.  He deserves the best I can afford to give him and often I wish I could get  him more things.

Often I catch  myself looking for a forth cup to fill with juice when handing out snacks , or I do a quick check up on the kids and find myself still looking for a few seconds for the "forth" one.  It seems like she is already part of the family.  Nathan, Sarah and Abby are growing so fast.  I feel proud of them - simply for growing and learning.  Nathan still enjoys quoting movie lines, songs and books he has memorized (they watch a lot of movies right now).  Sarah continues to describe everything she does (I poke it , I eat it, I'm chewing , I swallow it ...)  and Abby is picking up more and more words. I think they all know that I am not feeling my usual self and they kind of understand that there is a baby on the way.  It will be interesting to see how each will react when Hannah comes.

Abby likes to pour water down her front - they all end up naked when outside eventually 

Sarah trying to "spray mom" 

I managed to get out of the house this morning with my mom.  We went looking at garage sales.  We probably bought to much we didn't need but it was good to get out of the house by my self.  I often get advice that I should be doing that more often.  Its really hard to get out.  When I have an opportunity to do something I'm usually too tired to even want to go. I know I should be thinking of myself more or caring for my self , but honestly , most of the time it seems very inconvenient and tiring.   Some day I will be able do things other then take care of children again.  

Sunshine and Clouds

"What am I going to do with you two girls?" is the question I often hear myself saying.  It seems like when they get close to each other kicking, slapping, pinching, biting and lots of screaming happen.  Abby has bit Sarah twice in the arm leaving red marks.  I'm hoping that Abby biting is the result of teething , but I'm not sure - she was pretty angry when she bit :( .  I don't even know how to discourage the behavior if that is what it is - Abby is only one and forgets what she did shortly after doing it.  She does not understand why she should not bite. I guess like any siblings of the same sex it is sunshine and clouds off and on during the day :)  It seems like Nathan gets along well with both girls.

Often when I'm getting ready in the morning I have both girls standing on "the yellow chairs of doom" (nicknamed so because the kids can carry them easily and use them to get at things we attempt to put out of their reach- they are in the bathroom because they cause the least amount of trouble there ....so far).  I take longer to get ready due to also getting the girls ready with me :)  We brush our teeth together , our hair , often put on perfume and make-up (mostly lip balm- which Sarah calls "bwip-stick" and body spray).  Once I remember putting on some socks I rarely wear , Sarah noticed them instantly and complemented them calling them "pretty!". Since then I have worn them more frequently (mainly because she likes them).  Its hard to explain without sounding selfish - but I find it pleasing to be able to relate to my daughters that way.  Its nice - almost exciting to see them enjoy the same things as I do.  All three of us end up feeling "special" taking delight in every day things - like a pink top , getting ready in the bathroom, or seeing a picture of a princess or fairy.

I have been taking the kids to the library on Tuesday mornings recently.  Sarah and Abby find it rough as they quickly become hungry and tired ( I in turn find it rough moving my 7 month big baby bump around after them), but Nathan thrives on the interaction with the other kids and the leader.  He is so excited to see the other kids and is very enthusiastic when doing the hand signs along with the songs.  I know he will be ready to leave the nursery this coming fall and I know he would love kindergarten next year.  A small part of me feels the sting of "the letting go part of parenting"  , knowing that he will be in the care of someone else when he does go to school.  But most of me is proud of him ... simply for growing up and being himself.  He has become very independent lately.  If he has a problem he will often attempt to fix it himself before asking for help.  This results in messes and frustration on his and our part.  Just this afternoon he was watching TV and noticed that the signal had gone.  He calmly walked up to the TV opened the door to the console (which they are not allowed to do) and adjusted the antenna so his program would come back on.  I had to stop him of course as he is not allowed to be in that area - but part of me was smiling and shaking my head - I had no idea he was even aware of how to work the antenna.  He is also getting very good at dismantling things and tries to put them back together.  He often will say things that we didn't think he heard or understood.   A highlight of my day is seeing him smiling at me with his bright and eager eyes.

Last night I had a massage and did not come home until after the kids were in bed.  I heard them bumping around upstairs and went up to deliver some stuffed toys that my poor exhausted husband was unable to find (he was not feeling well yesterday).  As soon as I got upstairs their faces lite up and Sarah said "Mommy! you came back!"  Its good to feel loved.  Sometimes when thinking of Jesus' return I feel as though I don't want Him to come back yet , I want to enjoy our kids He has given us and to grow old with my husband.  I hope that I will be able to greet Him in the same way Sarah greeted me when I came back :)

Here is Nathan in the cupboard BEHIND the lazy susan.  The lazy susan on the other side of the kitchen was removed  because Nathan broke it by sitting on it , also he was throwing baking items behind it (making them nearly impossible for  us to easily get)

 enjoying a walk on the green way 

Two girls that can't sit near each other - someday I will get a good picture of  them side-by-side

Surviving May

This month is 1/2 over and it seems to be going fast and slow at the same time.  My energy levels have dropped and its harder to move around. I keep thinking "one more month..." because I'm so focused on getting May out of the way I forget that I still have June to be pregnant.

As I look over at the couch right now I see that Nathan has figured out that his pants are the zip off type and he has zipped off one leg.  He has taken off his pants completely and attacked his sister (lots of screaming happening) .  Abby was by my knee trying to bite it ... she seems tired today.  That was only  a snap shot of what happens here on  a day to day basis. I already don't remember most of what they did last week :(  I know they were cute , they got in trouble , they fought , they made messes and mostly slept at night.

Mothers day weekend was very draining - it seems like when your lively hood is going to be celebrated you are reminded again of how hard it is sometimes.  I think I remember being tired and worn out last Mothers day as well.  Of course it didn't help that I am 7 months pregnant.  I remember looking forward to a date night Mark and I had planned all week.  He has been so busy during the day and at night with work (this semester is difficult for him) I was looking forward to some time with him while not feeling like I was taking him from his work that he needed to get done.  The date didn't happen and I was disappointed- which was hard to deal with.  Hopefully we can get out soon.  I mentioned to Mark that the next person that tells me that I need to "get out" more ..or just "go on a date" is going to get punched in the face - he said he would pay to see that - lol - I don't think I could even if I really wanted to. Its hard to "get out" when you have young kids.  Babysitters can be expensive and are not always available.  Its like handing off your responsibilities of your full time job to someone who may or may not know what is going on- only more important because the responsibilities have names and are your children :)

My sister and her husband came for a visit with their brand new baby.  It felt good to hold a newborn in my arms again.  I still feel a pang of regret that Hannah will be the last one of mine that I will hold, but I think every mother feels that way (that is why grandma's enjoy their grandchildren so much).  Watching my sister love her baby and struggle through the first time mom challenges reminded me of how precious and sacrificial parental love is.  I've always been told that God loves us the same way , but I've always found it hard to wrap my mind around.  Watching my kids and knowing how I feel about them puts God's love in a new perspective and at times almost easy to understand.

On Mothers Day we stayed home from church and relaxed for the day.  It was sooo nice to stay home that day.  Sundays are normally stressful (chasing around hungry tired kids) and it felt good not to feel guilty for staying home for once.   Mark got me a video camera - which was awesome.  I can take better videos of the kids now and remember them better :) .  There are so many times during the day when I look at my kids and think  - 'wow, I have a great family.  I am blessed to be a mother ' and there are other times when I think 'what were we thinking? 4 under 4???' .

Look before you sit

We are finally feeling better -well most of us.  I seem to take the longest to get better on account of lack of sleep and being worn out caring for the other sick ones :( .  I'm just glad I got the cold part of the illness only, and that Mark didn't get it at all :).  The other three took turns throwing up for about 12 hours each (not constantly).  I don't think I remember doing that much laundry in three days.  I had those machines going constantly  - thank God for washing and drying machines!  I can't even imagine how crappy that would have been to deal with washing everything by hand like people used to (still do in some countries).  Although all three of the kids were sick, there always seemed to be one that perked up when another one started feeling sick - so I had a sick kid, a semi-sick kid and a bouncy " get in trouble kid" every day for about three days.

Yesterday was a "making messes" day.  It seemed like I would clean up one only to turn around in time to see them make another giant mess.  By the end of the day I gave up.  I made sure that the floors were mostly clear (or they trip and fall) and it was not too annoying stepping on crumbled food....  if that is possible. While I was putting Abby and Sarah to bed Nathan decided to change his own diaper.  He had pooped in it and decided that the couch was a good place to take it off.  He then went to the change table and attempted to clean himself up and then proceeded to the kitchen with a chair and helped himself to a soother (I keep them in a cupboard until bedtime).  I know all this because he left a trail of poop smudges everywhere he went.  What could have been a 2-3 wipe poop turned into a 50 wipe poop as I searched the house to see where he had been.  It was my chair this time :(.  When I told Mark about the episode he replied "well, I guess the motto for today is 'look before you sit!'".  I love my husband :).  Nathan has developed a fascination for pump bottles filled with shampoo or conditioner in the bathroom - often when I find him in there there is a stream of shampoo or conditioner flowing down the bottle and making a puddle on the floor.  He looks so intently at it while it is dripping - I can't be angry.  I'm at a loss of where to put those darned bottles.  They come from Costco so they are huge - I am glad of that because the floor gets a lot of treatment but they are so big they don't fit anywhere :(.  

Recently I noticed that my supply of plastic containers was growing non-existent.  I also noticed Abby walking around with them , attempting to put lids on or take them off but never putting them in the same place or back where they came from.  Abby also , now that she is always walking, walks around with her food.  She used to make a mess around her high chair or by the coffee table where she was standing - now she scatters her mess all over the house!   She often will follow me around the house with a book clutched in both hands , wanting me to read it to her and getting very loud and angry when I don't immediately comply.  Abby is lucky she is so cute and we still love her no matter how crazy she gets...  I could say that for all three of them.  Sometimes I walk in on them doing something crazy and often the result is a lot of clean up for me...I stand there for a moment not knowing if I should laugh, cry or be angry.   I take a picture and puzzle about it - then clean up the mess usually ending up laughing.

Since the weather has been so nice I have been taking the kids out in the back yard more often.  Sarah has decided that she does not like bugs.  At first she seemed afraid of them and wanting me to flip them off the slide before she went down and freaking out if they happened to land on her clothing or skin.  I explained to her that the bugs live outside and that they were not going to hurt her.  She seems less afraid now.  Now, she smashes them in-between  her fingers and then hands them to me (or tries to) saying "Here mom!"  and I have to brush the remnants of the bug off her fingers.  Nathan seems to be much like his dad in that he  needs something to do outside.  He needs to blow bubbles or ....something .... I haven't figured out how to keep him busy yet.  Usually he is waiting by the door for us to go back in while Sarah and Abby are happily playing.  

I have concluded that we just need to survive May.  June will go quickly , then I will have a baby and everything will settle down after that ..... hopefully.  Ha ha -I think rather we will be adjusting to a new kind of crazy, but at least it will be summer and Mark will be home.  Just focus on surviving May Leanne.....

Nathan watching his favourite meal bake *fish* 

playing outside -watch out for bugs!

These girls don't need lessons on how to make a mess 

Warm thoughts and warm weather

It seems like Spring is finally here!  And my husbands birthday is only a few days away (for those of you who don't follow his count down on facebook).  That means that April is almost over :)  In May we open the pool and get out the summer clothing and in June we prepare for Hannah and in July... I hopefully will have a successful home birth. About three years ago I would have considered myself crazy to consider a home birth.  We live about 1/2 an hour from ....everywhere.  I was afraid that something might go wrong, but after having three children I realized that I was tougher then I thought.

I also realized that the medical system regarding labor and delivery has largely failed women in my opinion.  In my experience all my births were normal (with the exception of a fast heart beat from my oldest), but it seemed that the medical staff had rules for "normal".  I hated being in the hospital and was always glad to get home to my own bed.  I was GBS positive for all three pregnancies and I'm assuming I am for this one as well.  The staff always wanted me to stay for 24 hours of observation even though the risk for the baby getting anything was less then 1% (much less). Mark and I had read all the information and research and were confident that we could handle anything that came up (likely nothing will).  It seemed to us that esp. with the last birth they were trying to scare us by telling us that the "danger" was not over yet (after we went for the next morning check up) and the nurse telling me that Abby might be dehydrated after she peed all over her.  It was smile and nod time.  It was irritating to drive back to the hospital (three times the last time) for the blood work.  I'm really looking forward to having the baby at home , relaxing in a warm herbal bath after the birth (with Hannah) and going to bed in my own bed :).  No more early morning drives, uncomfortable lectures and all this foot poking for the baby.  The midwife will come here for the checkups and Mark will be home to take care of things.

I totally intended on finishing this post but my whole family got sick (except for Mark) - as I write this I have one crying at me :( .  I will post what I have written and hopefully I can catch up on myself later this week.

Cloudy days and rain

I think that sometimes my mood seems connected with the weather.  Last week was full of clouds and rain.  I am looking forward to the warmer days that are coming when I can at least take the kids outside in the back yard.  It seems like such a simple thing - but getting them dressed for outside and then carrying around Abby (to cold/wet to let her crawl around) is exhausting. When the warm weather finally comes they can run around on bare feet and if the clothes come off it really does not matter :).  Maybe because I'm looking forward to this I feel more depressed when it rains or turns cold again. I also notice that when it does rain or is cloudy my hips seem to hurt more and it gets painful walking around.

The week seemed to go by in a fog.  I think the only time I got out of the house was when we went for our normal Costco trip.  I'm not looking forward to when Hannah is here regarding getting out of the house - often the only time I do get out of the house (unless it is for appointments) is the Costco trip.  Currently we need two carts for our trip- for kids and food.  When Hannah comes there will be a lot less room for food... which means I will have to stay home with her and probably one other sibling :(

On a lighter note, Abby is almost walking :).  I think the only reason she crawls now is because for her at this time it is often quicker.  Today (Monday) was sunny and very warm.  My mom came over for a few hours and we played outside in the back yard (finally!).  I put green food coloring in the tub for the kids when they took a bath - they were very impressed.  Nathan requested a host of different colors of course "Now blue?, Now yellow?...." .  He stole the baby shampoo , convinced that the orange colour would turn the water orange.  Sarah now describes everything she does in first person " I dip, I poke, I laugh!, I jump, I fall...." .  She amazes me with all the words she comes up with.

This morning (Tuesday) it was raining again.  I decided to bake muffins.  That in it self is a crazy decision for me.  Of course they all wanted to "help".  I put Abby in the sink striped down to her diaper and filled up the other half of the sink with soap and water so she would have something to do.  Nathan decided that he wanted a sink bath and jumped in the sink naked.  Sarah and I mixed up some batter and they all ate chocolate chips.  Nathan decided not to listen and got kicked out of the sink - Sarah took his place and "tickled" Abby with the dish scrubby.  Poor Abby had her entire head white with soap while her sister laughed her head off.  Nathan was not done getting into trouble and got himself kicked off the chair not listening again and spooning sugar into the water of my coffee maker.  He also peed on the chair he was standing on - I think I got him to the bathroom on time to finish.  Nathan put the little potty lid on the toilet and stated he had to poop.  I have no idea if he did or not - I just know he was done when I caught him twice splashing his foot in the toilet (don't worry- he flushes as many times as he can while trying to go to the bathroom).  Sarah who was also naked after getting herself kicked out of the sink (kept on trying to turn the water on) peed on the same chair.  I got her on the potty but she didn't do anything more.  I got the last batch of muffins in the oven and then made some lunch as fast as I could (Abby was screaming at me) , Sarah who I hadn't got a chance to diaper yet peed on the same chair AGAIN while picking at her lunch (it was Mark's chair ... don't tell?) .  I was a little encouraged because Sarah had run to the bathroom before lunch feeling like she had to go - she just had the timing off.  I finally got the girls in bed , mostly cleaned up the kitchen mess and ate some lunch myself when Abby woke up :(  I took her down and she napped on top of me while Nathan bounced around the couch like a crazy person.  Now I'm trying to muster some energy to walk them to the library - hopefully Nathan will release some of his energy.  My apologies to the library staff in advance.   My kids often leave a pile of books on the floor and I don't have time to clean it up before they are making another mess somewhere else ...

I think I've redefined the definition of "super-mom" for myself.  I always thought of a super mom as a mom who does it all and her kids are clean , well behaved and not crazy.  Now I think of a super mom as a mom who survives days like this and is not insane or crying.

A long week

When I think of the past week I remember how long it seemed.  Usually when Mark has a Monday off the week feels short because the weekend comes sooner. I think it had something to do with Abby deciding not to sleep on Tuesday night (or was it Monday night?  its all fuzzy).  I think she was teething ... I'm still not sure .  I believe Mark said he got about 2 hours of sleep - I'm still not sure how much I got.  The next few days after that were very tiring but at least all three children slept :)

On Friday we went out for dinner with my mom who recently celebrated a birthday at the beginning of the week.  We took the kids and my mom to a restaurant called "Jacks" in Kingsville. Again they were remarkably well behaved.  We had three high chairs so there was no running or attempted escapes.  We let them choose their drinks (except Abby of course) and meals.  They started banging their forks and knives together and chanting "chicken!" (they had ordered fish) , but my mom entertained them with a Dutch children's song that she knew from when she was small.  I remember bright smiles and bright eyes with lots of laughter.  Just as I commented on how well behaved they were the cups started falling on the floor with water everywhere, but that wasn't that big of  a deal... it was only water.  I know my mom had a good time and I think we were entertainment for the other dinners that eventually came.

 After dinner we went to the part for a little while (it was cool by the lake).  Nathan has soooo much energy - it amazes me sometimes.  Mark was climbing on a wall (he still likes to play as well).  Nathan attempted to follow him a few times then stated "No , I do not climb" and ran away.  I love that kid.  I was mostly watching them play when Nathan with his cheeks red, his nose running, his eyes bright said with a big smile "Common mommy - its your turn!  Here - this ladder is for you!".  Who could resist that?  It still makes me smile to think that my energetic son loves me and wanted to share his joy of being outside and running on the playground equipment with me.

On Saturday we visited a good friend who was waiting for a baby to come.  She looked exhausted.  That along with the returning Braxton Hicks reminded me that I have officially entered my third trimester.  I remember waiting and labor pain and sleepless nights, but most of what I remember is the warm healthy body of the newborn put on my chest for the very first time.  I don't think there is much that compares with that special joy and I am looking forward to experiencing it again.