Beginning Christmas

I've had different views of Christmas in the past and I will have different perceptions of it in the future.  I remember going to Togo for a month and coming home just as the advertising had started.  All I saw was excess and waste and I hated it.  Fresh in my memory were children sleeping on a pile of rags in a mud hut, important things - like medicine and food not getting to people who had serious need. I remembered all that and felt disdain for the people who were buying i-pods for stocking stuffers.  That year I convinced my family to tone down the gift giving and enjoyed songs like Do They Know it's Christmas? and My December. Looking back I think I was actually depressed.  The depression at Christmas trickled into the next year.  And I think it was the year after that I met my Christmas loving husband.

I grudgingly started to open up and try to enjoy Christmas again for Mark's sake.  I remember feeling frustrated with the presents and the advertising and the shopping and the list goes on.... .  There were some parts that I enjoyed. I've always liked Christmas lights - I've often said that they have been the only thing about Christmas that I have consistently enjoyed (even as a little girl).  I really enjoyed giving gifts and getting used to Mark's Christmas music (he likes the classics - the kind you get tired of, because they play them everywhere ).  When kids started becoming a part of our lives Christmas became more about them.  I still felt stressed out in December and got frustrated with plans that changed.  I remember getting upset and anxious while looking for gifts, really not enjoying the "hustle and bustle".  I felt a lot of pressure to get the "perfect gift" for everyone.  Our family drew names but with our growing family we still had a lot of shopping to do.

Mark helped me combat this by starting our own traditions as a family.  We hunt down a real tree in the first week of December , cut it down and dress it up (while playing Christmas music and drinking egg nog- Sarah calls it "egg knock") .  We have family over for dinners and this year I got the girls outside to watch the Santa Claus parade just outside our house.  Gradually I learned to focus more on making memories and having fun with family then trying to find the perfect gift or stressing over who we can afford to buy for.  I'm looking forward to watching the Rankin and Bass videos with the kids and seeing them experience the craziness that our church manages to pull off every year (some sort of Christmas play ...you walk in the doors and they are handing out costumes with a paper with lines on it :)  ).  I'm looking forward to seeing them (hearing rather- I'll likely still be in bed) experience the sight of presents under the tree - knowing that we stayed in budget this year.  Mark and I did most of our shopping in November (a lot of it online) and we tried to tone down the gift giving with extended family even more.  Next year we would like to do some charity instead of presents with extended family.  I'm looking forward to teaching my kids about giving back and ideas of how Jesus wants us to celebrate His birthday.  This year I've finally been able to sweep aside all the clutter/anxiety/stress/depression that surrounds Christmas and have been able to enjoy (really enjoy - not just take pictures or videos) events with my husband and kids :) .  Thank you Jesus , for your freedom - and for teaching me to take advantage of it :)

Sarah and Abby enjoying the "light parade" (Santa Clause Parade) as they called it.  Sarah appears to enjoy Christmas lights as much as I do 

Hop on Pop 

Our Christmas tree - most of the ornament are half way up the tree now- the kids have been stealing them and throwing them around the living room. 

Playing puppets

My husband and I had a conversation about how life seems "urgent" .  There always seems to be an urgent something to do - a diaper needs to be changed, a crying baby needs to be picked up, we need to go shopping, we need to separate two fighting children...and the list goes on.  We talked about how we sometimes fall into being "urgent" all the time, always doing something /going somewhere and miss the little things  - like playing  puppets with Sarah , reading books to Abby , counting with Nathan , and letting little Hannah look you full in the face making lots of eye contact.  Sarah is always asking us to play puppets .  She has a wonderful imagination and loves to use it and watch us use ours.  Recently I've made myself take at least 20 minutes to play puppets with Sarah - I don't always want to.  I'd rather play on the computer or clean up what I can before the next "urgent" thing comes up, but play for her is important and it should be important to me as well.  A lot of important things happen during the day ... things I will want to remember when the kids are older.

Abby sings now.  We don't always know what she is saying but she sounds good :).  She sings "row row row your boat...stream....merry merry merry dream!"  Sarah has been singing for awhile now - and has several songs memorized.  I love hearing my little girls sing :). While giving them a bath tonight I heard the usual "knock- knock" jokes.  They are funny because the kids don't understand how or why they are funny.
Sarah: "knock knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
Sarah: "Sarah"
Me: "Sarah who?"
Sarah: "SARAH!"

Nathan: "Knock knock"
Me: "who's there?"
Nathan: "boat"
Me: "boat who?"
Nathan: "Nathan's boat!"

They go on getting sillier ending in giggles because I'm laughing at them and they don't understand why :).

While walking (or rather force marching) the kids to the library this afternoon I had a hard time getting Sarah's attention.  She seems to move at negative speed when you want to get somewhere sometime.  I was standing at a corner calling her for what seemed like a full minute when she finally came ...and then threw a snow ball at me.  We crossed the road and then started a toddler snow ball fight (me purposely missing  - even though I wanted to hit them.  Nathan and Sarah proudly throwing snow fragments/balls I made for them on the sidewalk).  Sarah discovered that snow covered gloves become wet gloves.  The princess ended up in the wagon wearing my gloves.  Abby had socks on her hands (I could not find any gloves that fit her-why do those darn things get lost so easily?) so she mostly complained ... very loudly. Hannah was having fun relaxing in the wagon snuggled in a large baby bag I had worn when I was a baby.  Each trip to the library is an adventure :)

Little things happen, sandwiched in with the urgent things.  I hope I will remember to play puppets , sing silly songs, laugh at knock knock jokes that don't make any sense , and take a few extra minutes on the walk to the library to discover things or just stand there humoring Sarah :)

Hannah really liking her fingers lately - teething? NO - please no- not yet 

Football watching with dad :)

Abby is very passionate and has a variety of expressions ... I wish I could get them on camera 

This is How Mom's eat their breakfast

As I sit here listening to Sarah cry in the play room and Nathan jump to my favourite Wiggles DVD (Wiggles go Bananas)  I remembered that I need to write this stuff down because I know I will forget later in life. This morning I was eating my cereal with Sarah sitting on most of my chair and Hannah on my lap.  Sarah was demanding bites of my cereal every few minutes and Hannah was grabbing at the table cloth.  Mark paused as he turned to go upstairs and smiled as he looked at me.  I gave him a knowing look and said "This is how mom's eat their breakfast".

Last night at supper time I looked around the table and noted Abby scowling at her rice then laughing hysterically as she picked up little hand fulls and threw them on her table top.  She had food all over her face (not from supper) and her hair was stuck to her wet nose.  Nathan was carefully dipping his chicken in his plum sauce , mindful of the stickiness , but using his fingers instead of his fork.  I was glad he was eating.  It was quite the fight to get him to sit at the table.  Sarah also had a food covered face (not from supper) and was making some sort of sandwich with her "pickles" (cucumbers) which she had refused to eat.  Hannah was squirming/ squalling on my lap as I attempted to eat some supper.  Mark was eating his supper and trying not to fall asleep.  Usually when observing that typical scene I think how nice 8:00 will feel like when they are all in bed and I can relax without anyone sitting or trying to sit on me.  This time I looked at them and I remembered how different our family will be in even 4-6 months.  I wished I could take a snap shot on life and take it out later and experience it again ... just for a few minutes.

As I paused while writing this to read "Are you my Mother" to Abby I remembered her bringing books to me while I was trying to go to the bathroom this morning.  I like it that they all love books , but sometimes I wish the door had a lock on it again.  The living room looks as though a tornado had run through it leaving a trail to the play room.  I will try to clean it up , even getting Sarah and Nathan to help at "clean up time" (always more work then cleaning it up myself) but I know the living room will be just as messy after I clean it when I sit down tonight after the kids are in bed.  

It seems, especially recently, that I begin each morning wishing I had a few more hours of sleep and how much better life would seem if I felt rested.  While that is likely true , I have to remember that this is life.  This life God has blessed me with, brimming and overflowing with richness. My cup  is full.  Often it feels too full , but having it any other way would feel horribly wrong.

Abby reading Hannah a book

Our girls :)

Nathan and Abby trying to console Hannah

Nathan posing for a picture ....which is rare.  He is usually to busy to sit still for a picture.

Her way

My last post was written over the course of a month.  This post I was unable to even think of for the past ... few months?  I don't even know how long it has been.  Things have been different but not that much easier.  I told Mark I think  Hannah is trying to make me glad she is the last one.  She is a very demanding baby - wanting to be held all the time...even while sleeping (mostly by me).  I remember thinking "She is well on her way" as I held her for the first time.  I experienced a feeling of satisfaction  knowing that she was able to drink and look around.  She is still "on her way" , I just can't say I'm enjoying it that much at this point in time.  I know that in even a few months things will be different, but most of the time that does not help in dealing with present difficulties.

Nathan , Sarah and Abby have been dealing with all this fairly well.  A lot of the time I find myself frustrated with them only to realize that they are just being children and doing child -like things.  I often feel guilty for not doing more with them.  Taking them anywhere is very demanding /mentally and physically.  Adding anything extra in the day makes it bursting , but extra things are needed for all of us :).

Well this post is going to be a short one as Hannah is awake and fussing now.  I need to put a diaper on Nathan and probably change the girls' diapers.

Daddy trying to watch football

It can only get better

The past few weeks (or more?  I can't keep track of time anymore) have had our heads spinning.  I am feeling a lot better/stronger, but both Mark and I are worn out.  I remember hearing that the forth child is not a big deal - they just join the pack.  This is SO not true! I can barely sit down to do anything (like eat or get dressed ) without holding a crying someone (usually Hannah).  I know I will now have to get up shortly because I can hear Hannah grunting and likely pooping.  Nathan wants another movie.  I hope the girls stay sleeping for a bit (Mark is away for the afternoon- helping his brother move).  Yesterday was busy because it was a Sunday. Sundays with four kids are even more busy.  I managed to snag a nap in the afternoon , but that was off -set by Abby screaming for about three hours after we put her to bed.

So , it has been almost a full week since I started this post.  Almost every day I had plans to add to it and finish it but while I was thinking about doing it I was holding a crying child hopelessly looking at the monitor knowing that I will not be able to complete the post that day or anything for that matter (lucky to be able to get dressed some days).  The only reason I'm typing now is because Mark is holding Hannah who is having a heck of a time falling asleep tonight for some reason.  My head is throbbing from all the crying and screaming it heard today.  Sometimes it seems like our life is frozen in this crazy time loop that is full of screaming fighting children. It just never ends :( . I'm going to try to write something positive about each of these children of ours, because I need to remember.

Hannah likes the pictures I put up by the change table - she cries and cries until she realizes where she is and then gets quiet and just stares at them.  I savor her little grunts and feather-like sounds she makes while nursing - soon they will be replaced by sounds and attempts at speech.  When I hold her up and she stares at me she looks like she is thinking so hard , I haven't decided yet if she is puzzled or in awe of what she sees. I like and dislike her sleeping on top of me at the same time.  I like the feeling of having her close and I know that she likes it - demands it in fact. I don't like how hot it makes us and the limited sleep positions I now have.

Abby is starting to sing little songs to her self while swinging her arms back and forth.  When Nathan is watching the Wiggles or something else with a catchy song I see Abby attempt to dance to the music :) Abby's smile is still amazing and no matter what kind of trouble she is in (which happens a lot these days) her cheeky grin can often bring a smile out of us. I can tell when she gets in a fight with her sister because the level of screaming is doubled and I hear loud jabbering/scolding with a "MINE" or "NO" added in at the end. Abby likes to share and distribute things ...like toilet paper.  She is starting to know where her head/eyes/nose/ears are and will often point them out on Hannah (often a little hard).  She kisses Hannah and I notice her hugging her toy babies and trying to give them her finger to suck on (she still likes to suck on mine).

Sarah is really starting to look like a little girl instead of a toddler.  She has the funnest conversations with you (telling you your ears are dirty, describing how big of a poop she had...).  She remembers things now (I have to be careful what I tell her is going to happen).  Once Mark told me that as she sat picking at her lunch she dipped her fingers in her ketchup smeared it on her face like a foot ball player and said "GRRR , I'm a tiger!".  Mark also told me of a time when he was so frustrated with dealing with them he growled at them ... Sarah growled back :).  Sometimes we call Nathan "Sweetheart"   and Sarah says "Nathan is not a girl!" - only girls are Sweethearts and are beautiful according to her.  She calls Nathan "Buddy" at times - she made up that nickname for him and she is the only one that uses it .

Nathan has started to toilet train himself - he doesn't always make it but he is getting better.  He still has that smile that lights up his whole face and he uses it often.  He asks Sarah " Sarah , are you beautiful?"  So far he is convinced that Sarah , Abby , Mommy and Hannah are beautiful (esp. Sarah) but when I asked him if he was handsome he replied with a mischievous smile "No, I'm a stinker!" He calls Daddy a stinker as well :).  I've noticed that he copies whole sentences - which gets annoying when I'm trying to tell him something and he is repeating every word but not understanding anything I"m saying.  He still loves to be tickled and he still has a kind heart (helping out his crazy sisters , telling Hannah she is cute).

This post took me longer then a month to finish.  As I type now I have Hannah sleeping on my chest. It has been very overwhelming having a new baby that still thinks she is part of me and three other young children that want to be carried, picked up, read to, played with .... Some days I think I will snap , other days I long for a break of any kind (a just Mark and I kind of break).  I still don't know how I will function this coming September when Mark goes back to work.  I feel stressed out almost daily and I need tylenol to sleep at night (Hannah sleeping with me keeps me in awkward positions).  My body feels like a limp noodle (my back muscles/abdominal muscles are weak) and still gets sore if I bend to pick up things.  Being a parent is rough right now , but I am thankful for my family.  God has blessed us richly.  I still remember feeling honored and blessed to be pregnant for the first time.  Things can only get better .... it just might take a while thats all.

Mark says it looks like Abby is trying to make Hannah give everyone the "finger" in this picture 

Nathan with his favourite clothing on 

Hannah Grace

Originally I had planned to write one last post before Hannah was born ...but I didn't make it.  Things were busy and I was tired and sore.  There were appointments, preparations, and the general craziness that I was increasingly finding harder and harder to deal with.  Last Wednesday I had one of my appointments cancelled and so we left as a family for one of our Costco trips -my last one for awhile.  After we got home I remember feeling very very tired and sore.  During the night I remember waking up and thinking "that was a contraction ..."  then going back to sleep (I was tired).  Around 04:00-04:30 Nathan woke up wanting his soother - shortly after that I felt my water break.  I remember telling our doula that she could have a glass of wine that previous night because I likely wasn't going into labor until next week (due date was July 4).  I was thinking "I can't be in labor yet - I told our doula to have some wine!" - my brain was a little fuzzy with sleep - however once my water broke and the contractions started every 5-8 minutes there was little doubt left.

Mark and I went down stairs (he had not been able to fall asleep after Nathan woke up) and I labored for a bit- mostly sitting in a chair clutching the arm rests.  Mark started calling people around 06:00 when the contractions were 3 minutes apart.  We called my mom to take care of the kids (they were awake then, and Mark had to fend them off of me), we called our doula (asking her if she had enjoyed her glass of wine) and paged our midwife.  We had to page her twice because she didn't get the first one for some reason. The midwife arrived around 07:00 along with her back up.  I continued to labor in the living room mostly staying on my knees or standing - leaning against the bed we had brought down or on Mark.  As the contractions got more and more intense I remember thinking "almost done!" after each one.  I started feeling more and more pressure and then finally it was time to push.  No one told me when to push or for how long... the only thing I remember them telling me was to keep my chin down (why do you have to keep your chin down anyway?), not to sit on the baby's head as I attempted to get on the bed again (my legs were getting tired), and to "push out the noise" (instead of groaning) - then at 08:45 the crazy world stopped and I got to look at our new daughter for the first time (after Mark caught her and clipped her cord).  I hope I never forget the sweet relief of feeling that baby come out and snuggling with her on the bed.   She had such a round little head with blond/red hair - she looked so perfect :).  Mom brought over the kids and they got to be one of the first ones to see their sister.  Hannah latched on right away and I stayed in the bed with her nursing her for about an hour.  The kids got to watch as the midwives weighed and measured  Hannah later on in the morning.  The whole experience was wonderful.  It felt right.  As things happened they seemed ...natural , expected.  I felt like I truly "did it" and I did it right.

After everyone left we rested while the craziness slowly crept back on us.  The next morning Mark took Sarah to get her teeth fixed.  She had two cavities and a few soft spots on other teeth.  She was too young to sit still long enough for a dentist to fix them so she had to go to the hospital to be put under while they fixed everything at once.  My mom came to help babysit for the morning (she had to come at 05:00).  Mark and Sarah got home around noon after a long tiring morning.  Sarah recovered well - she even wanted to go back to see the "doctors" a few days later.  The next few days Mark and I were super tired and the kids had WAY too much energy.  Abby was extra clingy, Sarah was fussy/whinny(still recovering) and Nathan would not listen to either of us.  We stayed home from church to get some extra rest - I'm glad we did - my milk came in full force that day (*ouch*).

Today things finally started to fall back into place.  Nathan, Sarah and Abby calmed down.  Hannah graciously let me sleep for about three hours in a row the night before and in spite of the rain we all drove to Kingsville to Tim Hortons just because.  Mark has been doing an awesome job at being "mom & dad" while I rest and recover.  I'm feeling a lot stronger, the kids are dressed/fed/sleep on time, the laundry/dishes are kept up ...I have an amazing husband.  

Highlights that I see daily are Nathan kissing his new sister on the head and playing with her hands and feet, Sarah strokes Hannah's head (calling it "fuzzy") and Abby pats Hannah on the back... eventually smacking her in the face... Hannah falling asleep on Mark ...and finally Hannah herself -what a sweet little baby girl.  All of these remind me that through the craziness, life right now is very good  :)

These first few pictures were taken moments after Hannah came out 

All three of us asleep 

A few more weeks

Its June 15 and as I look at the calendar all I see is a lot of ink.  I knew June would go fast and I'm grateful - being busy is nice at this stage of pregnancy (distracting).  It is also very tiring.   I'm tired of going to appointments ... I think I'm tired of everything.  Recently Nathan, Sarah and Abby have not been feeling well.  They would not eat well, sleep well , get along well or do anything well.  I'm exhausted and I feel as though I will never get enough sleep.  I remember being pregnant with Nathan and how nice it was to take naps when I was tired or just to "take it easy".  I remember how peaceful and relaxing it was after he was born when I could rest with him during the day.  Those days are long gone.  I don't think any mother is prepared for how mentally and physically exhausting raising small children is.  I'm not sure if there is any way to prepare. It just seems to be one of those things that you have to experience to really understand.

Tomorrow is Fathers day.  My husband and I are disappointed in the lack of recognition or honor given to fathers.  Mothers day is well advertised and mothers are applauded for being selfless, hard working and loving.  It seems like fathers are portrayed as being another kid that the mother has to care for.  Mothers deserve expensive jewelry but fathers hint and whine for things like children.  I'm mainly going by what I hear and see advertised.  I remember one car commercial that basically said the fathers first job as a father is driving the baby home . He was in the back ground watching his wife deliver the baby and didn't even get to hold it before the Dr's whisked it off to a nursery (do they still do that?) . I can see Mark tense up in anger when watching that commercial and I can imagine how traumatizing it would be for him to experience something like that.  I've always seen Mark and I as a team , working together to raise our family.  Yes I push out the baby, but I would really really hate to do it with out Mark by my side encouraging me.  I love seeing how proud and happy he looks when catching the baby - it is so personal and intimate for both of us. I can't imagine having a good experience any other way (aside from having a home birth :)).  I hope he enjoys his Fathers day present.  He deserves the best I can afford to give him and often I wish I could get  him more things.

Often I catch  myself looking for a forth cup to fill with juice when handing out snacks , or I do a quick check up on the kids and find myself still looking for a few seconds for the "forth" one.  It seems like she is already part of the family.  Nathan, Sarah and Abby are growing so fast.  I feel proud of them - simply for growing and learning.  Nathan still enjoys quoting movie lines, songs and books he has memorized (they watch a lot of movies right now).  Sarah continues to describe everything she does (I poke it , I eat it, I'm chewing , I swallow it ...)  and Abby is picking up more and more words. I think they all know that I am not feeling my usual self and they kind of understand that there is a baby on the way.  It will be interesting to see how each will react when Hannah comes.

Abby likes to pour water down her front - they all end up naked when outside eventually 

Sarah trying to "spray mom" 

I managed to get out of the house this morning with my mom.  We went looking at garage sales.  We probably bought to much we didn't need but it was good to get out of the house by my self.  I often get advice that I should be doing that more often.  Its really hard to get out.  When I have an opportunity to do something I'm usually too tired to even want to go. I know I should be thinking of myself more or caring for my self , but honestly , most of the time it seems very inconvenient and tiring.   Some day I will be able do things other then take care of children again.